


Am I Just Like You?

by dr_ducktator



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-04
Updated: 2011-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-19 00:22:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/194847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_ducktator/pseuds/dr_ducktator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel watches Dean and hopes for answers.<br/>Inspired by Feeder's "Feeling A Moment." Ideally, you listen to the song while you read. But, you know, it's not mandatory.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I Just Like You?

**Author's Note:**

> If you squint, there's a mild spoiler for 5.14 "My Bloody Valentine."

Castiel often watched Dean. Dean wasn’t aware of this, of course. Castiel knew better than to let Dean know he’s being watched; Dean would probably make some sort of comment about needing personal space again. Dean was very hard to understand. He was so angry so often, but when no one was looking, or at least when Dean thought no one was looking, he let down his defenses. And it was in those moments Castiel could see that Dean let the weight of the world nearly crush him.

In the moments Castiel would observe Dean he never did it for very long; there was too much on the line for him to get caught up in his curiosity about humanity. But when Castiel did watch he did so with a caring eye, wanting to help Dean however he could, while at the same time hoping to understand what it means to feel like a human does, to feel all the emotions Dean felt.

He could see today was particularly difficult for Dean; he’d never had a lot of faith to begin with, but what little he did have was slipping away as Sam went through withdrawal. He knew Dean called out for God to help him and got no answer. God never answered. Castiel wondered if Dean felt just as he did when God was silent.

Watching Dean made Castiel thoughtful. He often played a kind of game with himself in which he wondered how Dean would feel in reaction to certain situations, and whether they’d share the same emotions. He wanted to know how Dean felt whenever the skies clouded over and the rain fell. Did he want to feel the sun on his skin? Did the rain make him feel hopeless? Did he really believe there was no one he could turn to? Castiel frequently felt the overwhelming burden of saving humanity these days. He was an angel and the bleakness of the situation almost buried him. How did Dean, a mere mortal, survive it?

He knew Dean’s time in Hell had broken him in ways no one could fix. He knew Dean felt like he’d become a monster, having broken under the strain of thirty years of resisting Alistair’s requests. Castiel wanted to tell Dean of the things he’s had to do as a soldier in God’s army, time and again having to strike down people he believed to be innocent because he’d been ordered to. He couldn’t help it; he was drawn to Dean, bonded to him somehow. He thought perhaps that if he comforted Dean with stories of their similarities he could find comfort as well. Maybe in that moment Castiel would be like Dean.

During the times Castiel watched Dean and saw him at his most vulnerable he wanted to appear to him, tell him God hadn’t left him alone, that he, Castiel, hadn’t left him alone, that Dean could share his burden with him. But those moments slipped away quickly for Castiel, because he knew the work Dean had to do to quell the apocalypse – despite what help Sam could offer or what role he would ultimately play – was to be done on his own.

Alone. God wouldn’t be there to help Dean; and in that moment, finally, Castiel knew he was just like Dean.


End file.
